SUSAN ARBETTER ON ccSCOOP
And the Press Pokes Fun
May 8, 2010
Every year reporters at the state capitol in Albany write and produce a musical gridiron show that parodies the legislative session. This year, the show is called, “Albany CSI: One Flew Over the Coup Coup’s Nest.” It’s written by a talented group of current and former scribes, many of whom also sing and dance.
“The LCA Show,” as it’s called, takes place Saturday night at the Crowne Plaza in Albany. The show is a fundraiser for several charities, so it’s expensive ($300.00 a ticket). Since most of ccSCOOP’s readers will likely not be attending, I have submitted a portion of “Newsbreak” (think SNL’s Weekend Update) for this week’s column. These particular jokes were written by Michael C. The sketch featuring my “inner monologue” was written by both Michael and me. Please note: Most of these jokes are about national figures not state political figures. We need to keep those jokes under wraps until the show.
I hope you view the jokes as we do here in the press room—in the spirit of a good-natured ribbing which is thankfully protected by the First Amendment.
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Anchor 1: This is Newsbreak.
Anchor 2: Governor Paterson announced today that after he leaves office he will start work right away on a backstabbing, kiss-and-tell book about himself.
Anchor 1: Infectious disease experts confirmed today that Glenn Beck has been suffering from a very rare form of rabies for the past two years. Unlike regular rabies—which can only be spread through contact—the Beck strain can be spread through the air, making it the most likely explanation for the creation of the Tea Party. |
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Anchor 2: Another bombshell development at the Capitol: at the end of a press conference this morning Assembly Speaker Shelly Silver appeared to smile. Later in the day his press office issued a statement denying it was a smile and explained that the Speaker was actually grimacing due to a toothache.
Anchor 1: Some sad news for MSNBC viewers today. Keith Olbermann has been diagnosed with terminal self-importance. He plans to do a special three-hour essay about it tonight on his show.
Anchor 2: The Erie county department of health announced today that Carl Paladino has a bad case of rabies, but officials expressed relief that it isn’t the airborne kind that Glen Beck has.
Anchor 1: During a press conference today, reporters at the Capitol burst into heaving gales of laughter. Pause. That’s it.
Susan: I need to interject here. Professional journalists don’t laugh at politicians. (Turns to audience.) We ignore politicians. And some professional journalists like me can even ignore them while interviewing them.
Anchor 1: Get out. When you’re interviewing elected officials during a live broadcast, you’re thinking about other stuff too? I thought it was just me!
Susan: Please. They’re so tedious. I’ll show you how to do it! Sit back, watch, listen, and learn.
Susan puts on headphones, clears throat.
Susan: My first guest today is co-Chairman of Senate Finance Committee, Carl Kruger. It’s always so good to see you, senator. . . .
INNER MONOLOGUE: Not. Dude. You have to know you look like a bad guy. A really really bad guy. . . .
Susan: So rather than sending Senator Kevin Parker to anger-management therapy in New York City, you’re thinking of sending him to work with old white people in Chemung County. . . . Tell us more. |
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INNER MONOLOGUE: I know EXACTLY what bad guy you look like too. . . . the bad Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark. You heard me. Senator Kruger, it was YOU who attacked Karen Allen in a bar in Nepal with a red hot poker. It was YOU who burned your hand on the secret necklace. And it was your burnt hand that led Indie to the secret location of the Lost Ark of the Covenant! It was you Senator Kruger.
Susan: It was you, Senator Kruger, who was MY guest today. Thanks again. Now we turn to Attorney General Andrew Cuomo. So great to see your face again. . . .
INNER MONOLOGUE (peering at Cuomo): Are you KIDDING me with that hair growing out of ears? That Sandra Lee willingly dates you is nothing short of remarkable.
Susan: I was hoping you would share some of that Cuomo-esque Jeffersonian political philosophizing your family is so well known for. . . . |
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INNER MONOLOGUE: Sandra Lee and Andrew Cuomo. Once the Post catches him eating (and enjoying) her lasagna with ketchup and cottage cheese, he’ll be forced to kiss the Italian vote goodbye. Note to self—find the Italian word for shiksa.
Susan: No Attorney General, go on. I’m on the edge of my seat.
INNER MONOLOGUE: Andrew Cuomo and Sandra Lee. But what if they get married—and HE hyphenates! I know it’s distasteful to think about, but oh my God. He would be Andrew Cuomo-Lee! It sounds like CANNOLI! “Leave da gun. Take the Cuomolee.” I don’t know what to say—I fascinate myself.
Susan: Andrew Cuomo, as always, you really have me thinking. Bon appétit!
Susan_Arbetter@wcny.org
Cell: (518) 852-5033
Syracuse: (315) 453-2424, ext. 238
Albany: (518) 449-2672
Syracuse Address
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506 Old Liverpool Road
Liverpool, NY
Albany Address
LCA, State Capitol
P.O. Box 7340
Albany, NY 12247
Listen to “The Capitol Pressroom” radio show LIVE online at 11 a.m.
Click for Susan's Complete Bio
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